ZZZzzzzap to a Breakdown

Unfortunately I have had to resort to buying a shock collar for Cookie for his UNCONTROLLABLE barking when put in the backyard. We have tried the hearing bark controller and yeah, that has no affect. I don't want to do this and feel bad, but there is seriously no way to control his barking unless we are outside with him. Sorry but I, nor Matt, are going to stand outside all day with all of the dogs when we put them out when it's nice and sunny or when we let them out to go potty. Now we are finding out too, that we will have to use it on Booger, inside, b/c he doesn't leave B alone. When she has a drink or snack he is up in her face trying to steal it, and I am tired of telling him "NO!" and shooing him away.

I think I am about to go insane with these dogs and Bayleigh and this cooped up house. I know I did it to myself with the dogs, but I thought I could handle it and I just can't anymore. It's making me cranky and I get upset easily, and most of all.....STRESSED! And I am reading up that being stressed is not healthy for pregnancy and since I'm in the last trimester I know it's REALLY not good to be stressed all the time. It's like I go to bed stressed having to deal with the dogs and I wake up stressed knowing I have to deal with them b/c Matt is gone by the time B wakes up. They are constantly following me and if it's not them following me, it's Ace licking (which drives me INSANE...I can't stand that sound) or freaking out on the wood floor and sliding all over the place when trying to get him to go outside. And when they are outside, Cookie is barking which in turn, gets the other ones barking.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!! 

I know I am complaining and whining, but I feel like I am on the point of a breakdown and I don't want to breakdown. And usually I won't let myself b/c I am a prideful person...and stubborn...and won't allow myself the release b/c I feel it's weak, and I don't want to show any weakness in front of Bayleigh.

I feel I'm on an emotional overload. I've got all the dogs, Bayleigh, the weather has been crappy so we've been couped up, I don't have my horse anymore and that was such a great stress reliever for me and I enjoyed it so much even when it was a pain to go out there on rainy or cold/windy days, or even when she was being bitchy. It's like it's just everything. I guess lately I feel like I haven't had any time to myself and haven't seen any of my friends since we all have our own lives and children. My house is still not cleaned. Well I take that back, it's cleaned, I just feel so cluttered. It's like I want to take EVERYTHING that we don't use and throw it out to clear out some space. I guess I'm getting in that "nesting" mode. But then it's like we have NO WHERE to put it once we clean it out. We would take the stuff to Goodwill, but it would be a few days before we took it all and where the heck are we going to put all the stuff that we don't want?! It's just a lot of little stuff too, that's what so annoying about it.

Only 2 and a half more weeks and Ace and Gizmo are gone up to NC. My mom said they would take Ace back. I told her that I just can't do it anymore with him and this small house. Not saying that I love this house and we aren't blessed to have it, it's just not fair to him. He needs a bigger place to roam and run so the next place we move we are looking at a 4 bedroom house with a HUGE, and I mean HUGE, backyard. I told my mom it wasn't permanent. Just when we move we'll take him back. Gizmo will be gone too with a family that really wants her permanently. I'm hoping the nervous tension that is in my dogs now will be gone when she leaves. She keeps everyone on edge and it's really bothersome.

I am overwhelmed with the fact that I'm going to have B and B2 soon. Not that I'm not excited about our little boy, it was just a little sooner than I had planned. I was hoping to have B old enough, preferably around 3 years of age or so, to understand things and be able to help me some and not be so clingy at the time when we had our second baby. I haven't even gotten his room ready. No clothes, nadda. And he's due in 2 months!!! We have cleaned out the closet in his bedroom, yet again, we have just small crap that we need to get rid of everywhere however, it's just easier to leave that door shut b/c I'm the one that's home most of the time and by the time Matt gets home and helps with taking care of Bayleigh, I don't want to deal with it. I want to relax. Me time, and even then it's hard by that time.

ALSO, I am tired of NO sleep. I don't sleep well. I think that's another factor that is taking a toll on me. It just adds to the stress.

Ok, I think I'm done venting. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day since it will be my birthday. We'll see how it goes...:/

♥ K